Avengers: Infinity Laws
Nick Fury checks his Google Calendar. It’s Friday.
Nick Fury: Oh yeah! It’s about that time! Or should I say Appointed Time. And send.
Nick Fury sends an intergalactic text message to the Avengers.
Shabbat Helps Incorporate Everlasting Love, Dude. Aka, S.H.I.E.L.D.
Tony Stark: Pepper, what would you like, snicker-doodle? A dozen roses? Or just a selfie of me? There’s no wrong answer, honey. It’s a win-win.
Pepper Potts: A new security camera.
Tony Stark: Check, check and check. We have one, two, three… hundred, nano-cameras set up. Did I tell you how beautiful you look today?
Pepper: We may need to add one more maybe? We have a visitor.
Nick Fury: Sir! I’m going to have to ask you to exit the narcissism.
Pepper Potts: Tony, why are you making a Black Power fist?
Nick Fury: I prefer we call it the Melanin Power fist, please?
Tony Stark: See? It’s all in the wrist, Nick. It’s a courtesy that’s sweeping the nation. The knock. You should try it sometime.
Nick Fury: Did you not read my text, Mr. Courtesy?
Tony casually gets his phone. Pepper powers it on with a tenderness that only she can.
Tony Stark: Shabbat Helps Incorporate Everlasting Love. Dude? Hold on. I’m getting a call. Congratulations, you’ve reached Tony. Yes? It’s the ‘70’s? You want your lingo back? I’ll let Mr. Fury know. Groovy.
Pepper Potts: I get it! It’s an acrostic that spells S.H.I.E.L.D.!
Nick Fury: I always knew she was the brains to your brawn. We’re celebrating Shabbat, baby! At your house.
Tony Stark: Hey Pep, could you schedule me an appointment with an otolaryngologist? I thought he said our house. Surely I misheard.
Pepper Potts: Wait one Marvel minute. Nick, are you Jewish?
Tony Stark: Well we all know the true Jews are brown-skinned, buttercup. I read it on Yoel’s blog. Jarvis automated smart home voice helper.
Nick Fury: Remember that scene in our movie where I was looking all sweet and cool?
Tony Stark: You mean five minutes ago?
Nick Fury: Flattery will get you everywhere, Mr. Billionaire. And I delivered that line in a super-cool Samuel L. Jackson kind of way?
Pepper Potts: What was the line again?
Nick Fury: I still believe in heroes.
Tony Stark: Oh yeah! I totally don’t remember that.
Nick Fury: Well, I still believe in Torah. It’s the most beautiful entity I’ve laid my right eye on.
Jarvis: I’m sorry about your eye, sir. I wish I could help.
Nick Fury: Story for another day, Jarvis. This Shabbat will be beautiful, everyone. The team should be en route now.
Jarvis: You have more company, sir.
Falcon: Yo, Cap! I think this is the right house. It has that signature Tony swagger, with a hint of aristocrat. Those Marvel checks don’t bounce, baby!
Captain America: We’re here.
Jarvis: Shall I open the doors, sir?
Tony Stark and Pepper Potts adoringly look at each other. With a twinkle in their eyes. The same way we look at the movie screen, waiting for that foreshadow post-credit Avengers scene.
Tony Stark: I thought you’d never ask, Jarvis.
Nick Fury: Baruch Ha’Shem.
Jarvis: Mazel towb, sir.
Spoiler alert: The doors open.
Thor: I don’t know what’s heavier. My hammer. Or this case of Manischewitz grape juice. Am I right, rabbit?
Rocket Raccoon: *Facepalm*
The heroes begin walking into Tony Stark’s humble billionaire home.
Bruce Banner: See the price tag? Who knew this stuff was so high?
Captain America: The price of Manischewitz is high, it always has been. And it’s a price I’m willing to pay. And if I’m the only one, then so be it.
Black Widow: There he goes, trying to be all inspirational and profound.
Black Widow winks at Bruce Banner.
Hawkeye: Is something in your Hawkeye, Black Widow?
T’Challa: Did someone say Black…Panther? Shalom aleichem. Thank you for your warm hospitality, Tony.
Pepper Potts: T’Challa, have you ever had T’Challah?
T’Challa: Wakanda question is this? I have not, but I can’t wait to try it. I hear it is most exquisite.
War Machine: Ah buddy I thought we cleaned in here. Do you see those ants?
Drax lifts his knee to stomp with force. Not Star Wars force. Just plain force.
Peter Quill: Don’t step on them! I know who that is! We carpooled here.
Ant Man enlarges himself.
Ant Man: Whoo! Sorry. Didn’t mean to bug you guys.
Groot: I. Am. Groot!
Peter Quill: Groot says Shalom.
Shuri: I brought vibranium silverware. It enriches the taste of all kosher food. The vibranium cutlery beeps whenever it detects there is a clandestine unclean animal/ingredient in a food product. Wakanda technology.
Okoye: Shalom! I brought brisket. To keep it fresh, I had to put it in the freezer, so it could freeze.
T’Challa: Ha! Freeze? I never freeze.
Tony Stark looks at Nick Fury.
Tony Stark: You contacted her, too?!
Captain Marvel: These are not the Torah scrolls you’re looking for.
Nick Fury. Yes they are.
Captain Marvel: It was worth a shot.
Tony Stark: Everyone in the kitchen. It’s almost sundown!
Pepper Potts: You’re awful excited, huh?
Tony Stark: It’s a holy day of resting. How could I hate that, sweet pea?
War Machine: Hold on, where’s the challah bread?!
There’s a knock on the window.
Tony Stark: Take notes, Nick.
Spiderman: Shalom! Thanks for letting me in. I brought the challah bread, Nick. I mean, Mr. Fury, sir.
Nick Fury: I like this kid!
The Avengers read Exodus 20:12–15 out loud, and they would like to say one last thing….
Everyone: Shabbat Shalom!