Comedians in Quarantine Getting Quakers

A satirical piece about comedians and the most important meal of the day.

Photo by Alex Motoc on Unsplash

Jerry Seinfeld drives back to his home in a 1955 Porsche 550 Spyder, treating Kevin Hart, Mindy Kaling, Aubrey Drake Graham, and Bernie Sanders to a social distance breakfast meal.

Photo by Alwin Kroon on Unsplash

Jerry Seinfeld: Everybody, we’re here!

Kevin Hart: Let me FaceTime D.J. For those who don’t know, that’s Dwayne Johnson. We’re on nickname basis.

Mindy Kaling: Oh my God. You have The Rock’s actual phone number!?

Kevin Hart: Here’s the thing, Mindy. I’m a big deal.

FaceTime rings. The Rock does not pick up.

Kevin Hart: You know what it is? You know what? He’s probably working out. Yep. That’s it. It’s bicep day, so he’s probably bench pressing a Smart Car.

Bernie Sanders: Hope he calls back. The American people want to know, if he will make a cameo, in Fast & Furious 9.

Jerry unlocks the car doors. Kevin, Mindy, Aubrey, Bernie and Jerry walk toward the front door.

Kevin Hart: Please, allow me.

Kevin Hart holds the door open.

Bernie Sanders: Age before beauty.

Mindy Kaling: Why thank you Kevin Hart! You are such a gentleman.

Kevin Hart: My parents raised me right, okay? I also take tips.

Kevin hands Aubrey Drake Graham a piece of paper that says Please Read Me.

Aubrey Drake Graham: Thank you so very much, Mr. Kevin Hart, sir. You are the best actor in Hollywood. You deserved an Academy Award for The Secret Life of Pets 2.

Kevin Hart: Thank you, amazing Canadian songwriter/Grammy Award winning artist. That’s just how we rehearsed it, Aubrey Drake Graham.

Mindy Kaling: Snowball was my favorite character! Such a cute little hamster.

Kevin Hart: I voiced a bunny. An adorable cute little bunny.

Mindy Kaling: You’re right. Duh! I get things mixed up when I’m hungry.

Jerry Seinfeld: What’s the deal with bunnies? Have you seen their mode of transportation? Hopping? What’s their favorite genre of music? Hip hop?

Aubrey Drake Graham: I’m a smooth jazz man, myself. George Benson is my guy.

Jerry Seinfeld: Everything is on the table: Quaker Oats, Tropicana Orange Juice, sliced strawberries, blueberries, and brown sugar.

Mindy Kaling: Did somebody call me?

Kevin Hart: I have an idea. Light bulb just went off. Why don’t we wash our hands, before we eat? Oh you guys. No need to give me a standing ovation. You all are too kind.

Bernie Sanders: Great idea! You know what else is a great idea? Raising the minimum wage to $15 an hour!

After Jerry Seinfeld, Aubrey Drake Graham, Bernie Sanders, Kevin Hart and Mindy Kaling practice excellent hand hygiene, they all walk toward the kitchen table. Kevin walks briskly like a mall walker. He pulls out the chairs for everyone.

Mindy Kaling: And the Award for Most Polite Guest goes to…

Kevin Hart: It’s the least I could do. Loved you on the Mindy Project by the way.

Aubrey Drake Graham: Guys, and gal, I brought some challah bread for us. I’ve been reading the Hebrew Bible more, especially Deuteronomy 28:15–68. I really want to wholly embrace my Israelite heritage, and change my music. To make it more clean and Torah-friendly, you know? Gosh. I can’t wait to collaborate with Kanye!

Bernie Sanders: Would you say before this revelation, you were on your…worst behavior?

Aubrey Drake Graham: Haha! Good one Mr. Sanders. I felt The Bern.

Mindy Kaling: Drake, this challah bread is so good! It’s the best I ever had.

Jerry Seinfeld: What’s the deal with hydroxychloroquine? Is it a cure for Covid-19, or the final word in the Scripps National Spelling Bee?

Bernie Sanders: Mindy, would you be a dear, and pass me the —

Mindy Kaling- Sugar?

Bernie Sanders: Sanitizer. Please?

Mindy hands Bernie the hand sanitizer. Bernie thanks Mindy.

Bernie Sanders: Kills 99.9% of germs, but what about the remaining 1%? Is this some type of subliminal messaging, funded by the billionaires and large profitable corporations?

Jerry Seinfeld: Oh no, oh no! I forget the sliced walnuts! How could I forget the sliced walnuts!? What’s the deal with forgetting!?

Bernie Sanders: No sliced walnuts to put in our oatmeal? This is a travesty. Oh my word! How will the universe survive?

Aubrey Drake Graham: Mr. Sanders, sir?

Bernie Sanders: Please Drake, call me Mr. You Should Have Been President.

Aubrey Drake Graham: As the wisest person here, who is this guy on the Quaker Oat container? I’ve always wondered?

Kevin Hart: Excellent question, Drake. These are the questions that keep me and my agent up at night.

Mindy Kaling: Who is your agent?

Kevin Hart: Me. Here’s my card. My people will contact your people.

Bernie Sanders: The face of Quaker Oats? I grew up with the guy. I’m so glad he didn’t peak in high school. I knew he was going places.

Kevin Hart’s phone rings.

Kevin Hart: D.J.! What’s going on, my friend?

Dwayne Johnson: Kevin! All is well! I see you’re busy, so tell everyone I said Hello. Especially Mindy. She was great in the eponymous Mindy Project show. It was so underrated.

Mindy Kaling: Is this what heaven feels like?

Dwyane Johnson: Before I go. I can smeeellllllllll, what the Jerry. Is. Cooking!

Kevin Hart: Okay, very good. Now is not the time to showboat. Love you and stay safe.

Dwayne Johnson: Love you all.

Aubrey Drake Graham stands up.

Aubrey Drake Graham: In these trying times, I really want to bless you guys and gal. This is from Numbers 6:24–26.

Aubrey passes note cards out to everyone with the Hebrew blessing on it.

Aubrey Drake Graham: Let’s all say it together!

Everyone: Yaberkh’kha Yahweh w’yishmareka. Ya’er Yahweh panaw elekha wi’chunnekha. Yissa Yahweh panaw eleikha, w’ya’shem lekha shalom!

Thank you for reading this.

May Yahweh bless you and keep you. May Yahweh make His face shine on you and show you His favor. May Yahweh lift up His face toward you and give you peace.

Lover of Yahweh. Disciple of Rabbi Yahshua The Messiah. Israelite man. Reader of The Hebrew Bible. Writer.

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